(This is a long and kind of personal one mostly for my own records, but I thought I would share it in case anyone else can relate)
The doctor called and said they had received the results of Abbie's lab work and she had a staph infection. YIKES!
I wasn't able to talk to him (he left me a message) and he is not in again until Tuesday so you can imagine the zillion questions I have for him and want answers to. His message said to continue to give her the antibiotics he had prescribed and to come in immediately if it appears they are not working. Otherwise, I have an appointment on Friday once she is done with her meds and they will hopefully run another test to make sure the infection has left her body.
One of the hardest parts of motherhood, for me, is not knowing if you are doing enough or everything you can to protect and care for your children.
While we were in Vegas we lived in a ward that experienced a lot of tragedy and sadness during a short amount of time. A friend of mine lost her son, another friend lost her husband and two other families lost members of their immediate family...all unexpectedly. I never really feared death until then. I don't fear dying myself, but it terrifies me to lose someone close to me, especially a child or Scott. With so many tragedies in such a short time I developed this paranoia that I would experience a loss like this...it was bound to happen I just didn't know when or how. I have lived with this fear for three years and I think about it often.
I know Abbie will be just fine. My head and my heart tell me that. But for some reason I still worry and anticipate the worst, with every situation. Sometimes at night as I lay in bed I think about all the things that COULD happen to my family. There are MANY times I will get up and pull Abbie or Caden out of bed and rock or just hold them for awhile until I feel better. I finally shared this burden I have been carrying with Scott the other day and I cried the entire time I was talking to him. I remembered something my mom's friend had told me. She is a pediatric ER nurse in Vegas and after I had Abbie and was having problems with my incision she came over to help. I was telling her my fears, especially relating to SIDS at that time, and she looked me square in the eye and said, "They are not yours, they are HIS and HE has a plan for each one of HIS children".
It kind of hurt at first because they are mine and I can't imagine anyone else loving them more than I do. But after a lot of pondering and prayer, I realized she is right. As much as I love them, HE loves them more! All I can do is take care of them the best way I know how and the rest is in HIS hands. If He calls them home, it is HIS will.
I am not going to lie...I still worry, a lot. But my mother-in-law said something a few weeks back (referring to something else) that stuck with me. She was talking about prayer and how at this point in our lives it should be the most sincere conversation we have with anyone. It isn't just about "thanking" and "asking" anymore. We should really be telling Heavenly Father everything that is bothering us or that we need help. After all, he waits for us to "knock" before he answers. So, I have been doing just that, telling him these fears that I have and need help with. It's truly amazing how each time I feel these negative thoughts/feelings and remember to drop to my knees, I begin to feel better. I am so grateful my Heavenly Father knows who I am personally, answers my prayers and comforts me in just the right moments.
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