I admit it, I am a bit crazy...

I've debated sharing this for awhile and in the end wanted to preserve my thoughts for my own personal history (since this is my "journal") and thought it might help other mothers who wonder if they are the only crazy ones out there. It's a long one, sorry.

I've been thinking a lot. I've been talking a lot too. Truth is, I actually have been seeing a counselor every week for the last few months. Before I get frantic phone calls, yes, I'm fine. Nothing to worry about. I just realized it was time for me to talk to someone professionally about some fears I have struggled with and can't seem to shake on my own.

I won't get into all the boring details, but I've had three counselors all tell me the same thing. I'm a bit OCD and that tends to give me some anxiety. My counselor is great. She doesn't do a lot of talking, instead she listens, asks the right questions and lets me find answers for myself. It's been enlightening. I've learned so much about myself and am finally getting answers to why I do some of the silly things I do.

I fear losing my children. I initially went in because I lay awake at night obsessing about all the bad things that could happen to my children. And during the day I find myself taking ridiculous measures trying to keep them safe. I am sure most moms have that sort of fear, but mine is paralyzing. I hate to admit this, but I've gone beyond if I lose a child, to when I lose a child. I assume it will happen and I wait anxiously, always wondering when one of them will be taken from me. Night after night, all those thoughts run endlessly through my mind. Many nights I've cried myself to sleep, some I've woken Scott for a blessing and most I find myself in constant prayer to help me through this trial. It's been a long four years.

I now know, most of my fears are an issue of control. (Hmmm, I think I've heard this before). We've talked about not only my inability to control death, but also my need for control, validation and perfection in all areas of my life. If things aren't perfect, according to my standards, I think I have failed myself and others. Perfection has become the unachievable standard by which I live.

I learned a couple things this week...

I tend to set myself up for failure and I need to learn to be realistic in my expectations of myself and others and forgiving. Caden and Abbie are too young to be worrying about how the pillows are arranged on the couch or if their toys are categorized in the correct toy bins. They are children and should be allowed to act like children. I don't want my children to remember me by how my much I cleaned or how often I lost my temper when I got behind schedule. I want them to remember cuddling and reading stories, making cookies and nature walks. I need to learn to let the imperfections slide so I can enjoy the moments that come and go too quickly. And if at the end of the day my family is happy, healthy and being taught in righteousness, I have succeeded and it won't matter that there are still dishes in my sink. Life, especially with children, cannot be orderly all the time neither are you always in control. Don't expect it and you won't be disappointed.

And "Faith and fear cannot coexist. One gives way to the other.". The power of prayer and the healing power of the Atonement of Christ are real. Have faith.

It's been good to finally address my fears and work on me a little bit. It's funny how I went in with one major concern and find out most of my "areas of weakness" are all related. I guess I'm not as messed up as I thought, just gotta work on that control issue.