Grandpa

I'm not nearly as good at updating my blog as I use to be, sorry. Life just seems so buys these days and I barely find the time to check all of the things off of my "to do" list before my head hits the pillow each night.

(This post is mostly for my own journaling. I needed to record my thoughts, feelings and testimony. This is a long one, so sorry if this bores many of you)

I've been in Las Vegas this past week. My grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer days before Thanksgiving and he went downhill very quickly. Come to find out, it had spread rapidly to his bone marrow and other organs. Not to mention he got pneumonia and the flu while in the hospital. Not good. I was able to come down last weekend and spend a few hours with him in the hospital on Monday morning. Minutes before I had gotten to the hospital that morning he flat lined and they revived him through CPR. When my mom and I arrived my step grandmother was sobbing, trying to explain the awful scene she just witnessed while all alone. My heart was breaking for her and for my mom as I watched them embrace trying to console each other. They decided should he stop breathing or his heart gives out again they would make no efforts to bring him back.

As I walked into the room I saw his lifeless body laying there, chest rising and falling with the help of a large and forceful machine. His eyes were closed and supposedly he was so far gone he was no longer conscious or making sense. I sat by his side, held his hand and said a silent prayer. I asked Heavenly Father to relieve him of any pain he was feeling and to comfort him in his final moments here on earth. I asked Heavenly Father to let him know how much I loved him even though I was not able to come earlier and tell him those words while he still understood. I am grateful for the next few hours I had in that hospital room and the tender mercies that my Heavenly Father granted to me. My grandpa opened his eyes, squeezed my hand and said hello. He knew I was there and he knew I was mourning for him. He tried to communicate more but I only understood a little.

He drifted in and out of consciousness and I watched my grandmother struggle to keep herself together. I saw her trying to comfort him, knowing she couldn't take away his pain and knowing he was scared. When he would wake up for a few minutes, he would reach for her hand and try to comfort her, knowing she was scared too and about to be left alone. Talk about love, each one trying to take care of the other despite their own fears and needs. I couldn't help but think of Scott and how lucky I was to have found him in this life and that I get to be with him forever. I always tease Scott that I want to die first, because I couldn't bare to be left alone, I really felt this way. Not anymore. I don't want Scott to go through what I saw my grandmother going through. I don't want him to mourn me and his heart breaking while feeling helpless. I hope I go second and spare him the pain.

As I watched the oxygen be forced into his body I couldn't help but feel like it was all so artificial. I knew his heart was beating and he was still alive, but this condition wasn't living. It was just a body being kept alive for the time being. I thought about how incredible our bodies are and how miraculous that there are so many parts, all working together to make us function. And even more incredible the fact that there is a spirit inside of them. How could anyone deny there is a God, a creator of us? Something this miraculous could not just spontaneously form. My testimony was strengthened and I knew Heavenly Father had a plan for all of His children. I felt peace and comfort. I knew grandpa's body was dying, not his spirit. I knew there was life after death and wondered if he knew the same thing. I am not sure what his religious beliefs were, we never talked about those things. I wondered if he was scared. In that moment I realized I am not scared to die. I think it will be an incredible reunion with my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and others I loved that have gone before me. Our time here on earth is just one part of His plan. There is so much more joy to come.

Grandpa and I exchanged a few more words and glances and then it was time to leave. I kissed his head and told him I loved him. He nodded but said nothing back. He rarely expressed his emotions, he was not that type and I knew that. He didn't need to say anything, I knew he loved me. I was happy with the time I had with him and with the peaceful feeling I was filled with as I left.

Grandpa died early the next morning before any of us had got to the hospital. Only 12 days after being diagnosed. The nurses said he went peacefully. Our family is happy he is not suffering anymore. God is merciful and took him before he had to suffer too much. I am grateful for that experience and the quiet promptings of the Spirit during those few short hours that strengthened my testimony about our Father's plan. I have faith and I still feel peace and hope.