My dad is here visiting for a few weeks (mom will join him this weekend) and as we were driving in the car today he asked me the dreaded question, "So, you guys going to have more kids"?
I cringe when I get asked this question because I have no answers. I want more children in the future, but I feel stretched to the max right now and can't even imagine adding another little one to our madness anytime soon. We are not putting children off because we want to make more money, a bigger house (or even our own house) or anything like that. It's not really a financial thing for us. For me, it's more about what I can handle mentally, physically and emotionally. During this last year I have taken some much needed time to work on myself and my weaknesses and I've made great progress but I still don't feel I'm where I need to be for my family. But I am constantly and kindly reminded I am getting older (like 30 is ancient) and that I shouldn't have huge age gaps between my children, yada, yada, yada.
I have never really been baby hungry and to be quite honest I don't enjoy the baby stage much. Maybe it's because when both of my children were born, I was working a lot plus with Abbie I just moved to another state and we started graduate school and that brought a lot of adjustments which were hard on us. My point is...I never get the itch or that "feeling" when I know it is the time to start trying again for a baby. I usually decide because it seems about time, but I can't make sense of it now and I am sort of wondering if it ever really makes sense or if it is something you just do.
Sometimes I feel guilty I am not fulfilling my duty as a wife and mother. Am I selfish for wanting to be a quality mom rather than a mom of quantity? Some women can do it all, and I certainly admire those women. I thought I would be like that, but I've learned I have limits. Is it wrong to want to enjoy my children and these important years instead of being stressed, mean and so worn out I can't function properly? Am I making excuses to make myself feel better about the way I think/feel?
I look at my mother's generation and most of them had 4 plus kids, no complaining. I am whining with 2 kids (love my kids, parenting is just much harder than I thought it would be), what's my problem? Are times different? Am I wussy?
For you mothers out there that want and are actively creating the big, happy family, please share your secrets with me. It can't be that easy, right? What things do you do to help manage all of your responsibilities and still find joy in this journey of motherhood?
12 comments:
Tara:
You are my inspiration. I really love reading your blog. Just from your sweet thoughts and posts, I can tell you are an amazing mom!
I am here to say that you are seriously not selfish! I think that as mothers now, we have been given special little spirits that need a lot of our energy emotionally, spiritually, financially, etc. than have ever come to earth before. Which means we can not be super heros, birth a million kids, and be the wife of the year. I totally believe in the special moments that mean the most. I sit an hold my 18 mon. old little girl and think what the heck would I do if I felt sick and prego and couldnt enjoy this time with her.
I think times have totally changed but I feel like I am selfish too. I HATE being prego and the crap I go through to get back to normal after. I envy all those people who just pop them out but for those of us who cant.......its ok. Dont let the social pressures make you feel bad! Your kids look happy, healthy, and you have a darling little family.
I have some thoughts on this issue, but they are too many and too lengthy and possibly too....hmmmm, I don't know....to put in a comment. I'll have to email you my thoughts sometime. For now, just know that I've shared many of those same thoughts....
Amen sister!! I couldn't feel more the same it is crazy! I go thru the same thought process! I have basically concluded that if there is a gap...so what. My little family needs time to "heal" from all of our stress and ordeals too. We have had so much change as well. My kids are very wild too and I have felt the same emotions you have. I totally know what you are going thru. It is not worth putting yourself thru the stress...everyone else suffers including you:) You will know when it is time to have more or maybe you are done...and that is 100% percent okay. It is okay to know to know your limits too:) I know Heavenly Father is very proud of you and the mother you are to your two beautiful children. I think that we stereotype ourselves and put added pressure in there that Mormons are supposed to have big families. With out getting too complicated let me just end by saying...it is between you, Scott and H.F. "He" does not ask us to do more than we can handle (most of the time)...hope that was helpful...love you girl and hang in there!
You are not alone Tara! I have a lot of the same feelings that you do. I sometimes feel guilty that I don't want anymore children, and at times I wonder what is wrong with me. But I know that it is my duty as a mother to know what I can and can't handle. I have come to realize that my heavenly father doesn't make all of us the same. He expects me to be a responsible mom not just a quantity mom. I believe that you will know if and when you and Scott should have more babies. Until that time, I wouldn't stress about it. Love you!
Alyssa
OH MY GOSH I am so glad it's not just me!! I don't have that baby crave AT ALL. I was beginning to think something was wrong with me. Since I don't have any kids and have been married for almost 3 years you would think I would want one but I think I am being selfish and just like you said it's not because I want more money or a big house I just don't think I can do it!
I think its a HUGE accomplishment to have 2, Tara!! I tip by hat to ANY mother no matter how many children they have.
Tara, I really don't think u give yourself enough credit! You are a great lil mom! When and if the time comes to have more kids u will be able to handle all your roles as a mother and wife! We forget often our full potential and what we can really handle, don't second guess yourself! But do everything on your own schedule not what you think those around you want you to do. :) by the way I would love to come visit soon I will have a talk with Chad and see what he can do... Then we will let you know! And I let him put those animals on the wall cause I knew what I was getting into when I married him :) I embrace all things!
That is a question only you and Scott know the answer to. Each relationship and each situation is wonderfully unique. Each one is made for a different past, present, and future. Some relationships can handle distance, some can't. Some handle lots of kids, some don't. All of them are beautiful in their own way. You know as well as I do that if you guys decided to have more or were surprised with more, you would not only be grateful and excited, you would handle it wonderfully!
You are not wrong for wanting anything. No it isn't selfish. You know your limits. Relax sweet and wonderful friend! You are amazing, I have always looked up to you!
IF the time comes, you will know. More than that, you will be ready to handle it. God DOES know the plan even if you don't and His plan is perfect, so rest easy. Love you girl!!!
That is a question only you and Scott know the answer to. Each relationship and each situation is wonderfully unique. Each one is made for a different past, present, and future. Some relationships can handle distance, some can't. Some handle lots of kids, some don't. All of them are beautiful in their own way. You know as well as I do that if you guys decided to have more or were surprised with more, you would not only be grateful and excited, you would handle it wonderfully!
You are not wrong for wanting anything. No it isn't selfish. You know your limits. Relax sweet and wonderful friend! You are amazing, I have always looked up to you!
IF the time comes, you will know. More than that, you will be ready to handle it. God DOES know the plan even if you don't and His plan is perfect, so rest easy. Love you girl!!!
Did God give us a children quota??? Holy cow! I don't think I got the memo! ;) hahaha! =)
Tara, in all seriousness...what pre-requisites do we have to abide by to enter the Celestial Kingdom? What is required of us to return to our Heavenly Father? What are the essential things that are absolutely necessary to get us there? What are the actions that will prevent us from attaining that blessing? (I won't answer for you...ponder it own your own--haha...using my teacher tactics)
Advice: focus on the critical things, and don't worry about anything else that doesn't make the list. ;) Many times our decisions don't fall into "right" OR "wrong." When all is said and done, God will provide us with enough challenges and experiences to mold and shape us into what he wants. If you don't have the challenge of children, it WILL come in some other form, I assure you. Make sense? The decision is definitely between you, Scott, and the Lord.
If I know anything about you, it's that you want to do what's right in the eyes of God. Consequently, He will inspire you with his wisdom in all things...no matter what that wisdom is. ;)
Hi! I found your blog by hopping around. You don't know me but I know who your husband is from high school. I debated on commenting because my husband hates when weird girls from high school try to contact us on facebook or through our blog. HA HA!!! But I wanted you to know that you are NOT alone in this at all!
I have thought and prayed so much over this topic. My youngest daughter is going to be 2 in a couple of weeks and my oldest son has a learning disability who I love to pieces but has been a challenge for me. I, too, always thought I would have the typical big mormon family and now I am not so sure.
I'm going to be 30 next year and I am also getting the question of when the next baby will be joining the family. AGHHH!!! There have been so many days that I don't feel like I know who I am in between my long and exhausting motherly responsibilities of the 2 I already have.
Anyway, this is what I mainly wanted to point out to you that you probably already know. President Monson only has 3, Elder Bednar=only 3, President Uchtdorf-ONLY 2! I know my husband jokes and tells me to look at Brigham Young but I think of how much good the men I listed have had to offer the world in other contributions than child rearing.
I love my kids, I don't think we are done and I don't want to keep bearing children until I'm 40 but sometimes I feel that the Lord might have a different plan for me and sending my sweet boy into my life has shown that to me. It's okay to focus on giving all of my love and attention to the family the Lord has already blessed me with and hopefully as things get easier in my life, I can expand that into a greater cause by serving others.
I know a blog can be so one sided but you look like you are doing a fantastic job. You have a beautiful family and what's meant to be will happen.
When I saw this I needed to comment and tell you that I too have had so many of these same exact feelings myself. I go over these things constantly.
I like how you said should you be a mom and quality or quantity. I see women who have had children back to back to back and some handle it beautifully while others don't. Some of them seem constantly frustrated and generally mad. If we are behaving that way and think our kids don't see that and feel that from us, we are kidding ourselves.
As you know from our emailing back and forth when my Laila was first born, I had a very hard time adjusting to being a mother. Now Laila will be a year old next week and I love being a mom, but there are difficulties still every day. She has such a strong personality and she can be so stubborn. She is soooooo busy and rarely takes a break to rest unless she is asleep. I can't even imagine having another one now or even soon to have to try and juggle with her. I do want more children, I just don't feel that now is the right time for me to be thinking about that.
I believe a baby has the right to truly be the baby before being expected to be a big brother or big sister. I feel that women have the right to not only be physically well but also emotionally well before having another child. I had horrible post partum depression after Laila was born and by the time I realized things were not going to get better on their own she was 6 months old. So really, I've only been feeling whole for 5 to 6 months now. I think it's OK for me to want to enjoy feeling good and enjoy my little one for a while, don't you?
I guess what I am saying is that we are all entitled to our feelings, even if no one shares them. Only you know what you can handle and only you and Scott can recieve answers to your prayers about your family. Don't ever feel bad about what you know is right for you family and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for it. Some women are meant to have 6 or 7 kids while other women, like myself, are meant to have 2 or 3. I only have 1 right now but I know when I am meant to have my other one, the Lord will help me know that.
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